I am a woman who does not like flowers.
I mean, I appreciate them. They're pretty, smell nice, and can add a splash of color and character to a room—but don't buy them for me.
In high school, my witty math teacher told us that he'd never buy flowers for his longtime girlfriend. Cue all the girls: "Aw! Mr. Campbell! Why?"
His response was always, "Because they DIE! They are DEAD! Why would I give someone I love something DEAD? I may as well give her dead puppies! They're cute, too, until they start to decompose! Like flowers!"
We were all appalled.
The thing is—I agree with him, now that I'm older and in a serious relationship. Not necessarily because of the fact that flowers are dead and dying, but because I'd much rather have something of lasting value. I guess the two could be construed as the same reason.
When I was in high school and a cashier at Jewel, flowers were relatively inexpensive until February rolled around, then BAM! The price jumped to $21.78 for a dozen basic roses. Dead roses, might I add. This was Jewel; imagine going to the local florist! And we sold many, many bouquets. Any other time of year, they'd be approximately $9.99, but of course the guys can't do anything like buy flowers in advance, because guess what? THEY DIE!
Back in my teen years I loved getting flowers from my high school sweethearts. But since I never owned any nice vases (we weren't a flower-y family); the bouquets just ended up sitting in my room, crumbling, and eventually breaking into a thousand tiny pieces on my dresser and carpet, creating more cleanup work than necessary, and Lord knows I was not the cleaning kind. I thought I LOVED getting flowers, but then again I also LOVED my immature boyfriend and thought we were going to eventually get married. I was 16, mind you.
Today, I personally would rather have my significant other use those 20 buckaroos toward something more worthwhile. It could really be anything—just not something I throw in the trash four days later. If he's hell-bent on getting me something botanical, I would suggest a potted plant that actually has a chance at life. Then again, living with me, it probably wouldn't have a chance. When I was a child, my virtual pets like the Nano Babies and Giga Pets always died within a day or two after I got bored. Thank God I don't have any animals nor children now.
Remember in high school around Valentine's Day and the Homecoming and Turnabout dances when you could send flowers to your friends? Girls would walk through the halls, arms full of 20 or more carnations, and they were sooo special and sooo popular and loved! Note: this isn't jealousy speaking—I got a few flowers here and there. Not often from boys, but so what? Okay, maybe I was a little jealous, but that was back then. Anyhow, these girls were carrying around piles of these poor dead cheap $1 flowers and thinking they were hot shit. Really, they were more like cold diarrhea.
I won't go too into it, but I feel similarly about diamonds. I don't expect to get any diamond earrings or bracelets, and if I did, I'd kick my boyfriend's ass and tell him to return them. Honestly. But even when it comes to things like engagement and wedding rings, I would prefer the person doing the proposing to not spend five grand on a ring. I know women who have $20,000 rings. WHY? First off, women should realize that having an expensive ring is not relative to the "amount" that your man loves you. Second, even if my fiancé-to-be was loaded, I would much rather have them put that into a down payment on a house, or future children's college funds or bonds for retirement. Don't get me wrong--I want a pretty ring, yes, but the future can't be ignored. I'd probably lose the piece of jewelry anyway, seriously. And that would be like flushing a $10,000 bill down the toilet. Not cool.
Essentially, buying flowers for someone is like giving them a $20 bill to look at for half a week then throw it away. I can't even imagine why people spend $50 on elaborate, massive floral arrangements. I suppose I'm just a practical sort of girl. Even food is more worth it to me, because at least I consume it! I'm not a chocolate fiend either, so Valentine's Day is pretty easy--essentially null and void in the Hallmark sense of the holiday. If you insist on spending money on me, do something practical! Fill up my gas tank, pay for my college textbooks, or give me a gift certificate to Steve Madden or
'Cause Lord knows I'm not the cleaning type.
-11.06.06
